The End of My Faithful Disbelief

Most people have the memory of that fateful day when they found out the mythical Santa Claus was not real. I don’t have that reminiscence. My mom was much too egotistical to let her children believe the presents were from anyone other than herself. And with good reason! We were poor and she worked hard. Why give a random old fat dude all the glory? There just was no use for dabbling in fables in my family.

But then, there was God.

Every Sunday I was woken up early, got (over)dressed, and apologized for being human. However, I did like the idea of being able to be fully cleansed of my sins on Saturdays. It made me think of it like a continuation in a video game. Of course, this became a habit, and I knew most of the confessional prayers better than the regular ones. Holy water was nice too. That felt like Sonic the Hedgehog’s blue strobe shield.

Aside from History, Science was my favourite subject. This caused much ruckus in Catholic school, as I asked far too many questions and started to look for answers on my own. Doesn’t the game of “telephone” tell us not to trust a book written by various humans at different points in history? Why are there so many languages that separate us? Why were “civilized” countries blessed with the knowledge of Jesus and the duty to spread this message to rural villages by brutal force? And on that note, why is there suffering? I don’t want to sound like a world of suffering is proof there is no God. That’s a lazy and dare I say, naïve thought. I truly believe that’s the sort of “atheist” that suddenly finds jesus when they discover there is just as much love in the world as there is suffering (surprise. surprise.).

That being said, the world makes a lot more sense when you’re an atheist. There’s a scientific answer to mostly all of life’s mysteries. And let’s face it, science makes everything seem fair. There’s a logical explanation for mostly all things. The answer could be macrocosmic, sociological or even chemical. Logical complications with God’s existence completely dissipate under natural speculation. The gap of ignorance closes and if your belief in God stems from a need to fill the voids of knowledge, you’re setting yourself up for some very deep cognitive dissonance.

I wouldn’t say Atheism comes to you in the same way people talk about the shock after Christmas. It is definitely a gradual process. Some don’t arrive (or rather, choose not to arrive) at it at all, and become the agnostic fence sitter, forever in doubt. However, the feeling after reaching that point is different for everyone. Although, I feel less ignorant, I can’t say I feel enlightened. I don’t feel full of light at all. If anything, I feel left in the dark. I feel disillusioned. And yes, empty. From an early age, I spoke to this invisible being. I’d tell him my sorrows and victories. It was much like an invisible friend (which I also had – but we won’t dive into that now).

Some would say theists are just on this planet waiting to die. Waiting for the afterlife (aka, the “better life”). I can’t say I ever completely believed in a heaven or hell, but rather, I hoped for reincarnation. Now my days feel numbered. Like water evaporating into nothingness. Everyday feels like the melody, “Lux Aeterna” (Requiem For a Dream theme) is faintly playing in the background. The thought of nothingness doesn’t scare me. As “nothingness” would conclude that I would not be around to feel anything. At all. I would not be around for disappointment. I just wouldn’t be.

The laws of probability state that at some point, we were going to be here to observe all of this. There’s just no way around that. It’s natural selection. It’s like winning the lottery. And who knows how many tickets were purchased merely for the simple perfection we call gravity. We’ll probably die out, and come back again, perhaps a bit different. When would probably be determined by where we are on the space and time axis, of course. All of this hardly seems “super natural”. Super natural would be our souls coming back. Complete with memories. Maybe that’s the part that saddens me the most.

Some say faith is blind. In the same way love is blind. I never believed either. Contrary to what some believe, both my faith and love have always been carefully reasoned, rational and defensible. There is a reason to why I feel the way I do. What is one to call another irrational? Be you for or against, you are both people of faith. Faith that lets you believe the path you chose is the right one. One believes there is more. One believes there isn’t. Not with the same people at least. Some could say, the prospect of nothingness is to be celebrated. It’s a chance to make the best out of this life because nothing comes after it. Enjoy it while it’s happening. And I’m ok with that. But there’s a magic that is just… lost. I have little faith in anything nowadays. Even people. This world feels like a big let down. Perhaps, I sound like a child. A child with a void. Maybe I’m not making any sense. Maybe I’m just tired and hurt. In need of sleep.

I guess you could say, I miss God. Among other things.

Now before you all think I’ve become that friend of yours you haven’t talked to in a while and is now a creepy bible thumping preacher that wants to let you know “Jesus loves you”, allow me to defend myself with saying I am NOT for organized religion. In fact, I am NOT for the Christian God at all. Or any other God that any fan club follows. My beliefs, nonbeliefs and “proofs” are my own, and no one else’s. My reality is very different from your reality. And everyone’s reality is the only one he or she lives in. Your experiences, your emotions, your thoughts, and energies, are all what make up your world. Who is anyone to tell you what to believe or not believe, when the only truth in this world seems to be the truths we make for ourselves?

I still call myself an atheist, because it’s easier than to explain the importance I see in feeling a sense of awe in the world. For me, right now, my truth is that God exists. Just not as a creator (which is why I still insist I fall into atheism) But unlike someone who fills in gaps of ignorance, or even someone who dismisses in lack of evidence, I still believe in an energy that gives life to everything. Even that which seems lifeless. Forces still hold particles together to make lifeless mass. Even light, which is massless, travels. Go ahead and call me Pocahontas. I don’t completely agree with Einstein, Stephen Hawking, or Dawkins. To me, God is the Steady State Theory. I don’t think my belief violates the first law of thermodynamics. You can’t really break any laws if you treat God like art. Art has always been meant to be personally interpreted regardless of the Artist’s original intentions or even if the Artist never existed at all.

To me, God is the winning lottery ticket. God is that 1 in 10,000,000,000,000th chance that made molecular DNA possible. It’s the chance that made the mass of a proton perfect. It’s the chance that you were born and not another. It’s the chance that every strange event lead up to the serendipitous meeting of someone special who felt the same way. It’s everywhere. I don’t worship it. But I do love it. As it has shown me love through those that have loved me.

And that makes me feel a little less alone.

~ by Keira Dazi on February 8, 2011.